Come Back To Texas!
by The Your Mom Alchemist
Summary: New and improved updated Chapter 1! What happens when Ed, Al, and Lin get thrown into the gate and get spat up in Texas? And why has Bowling For Soup gone missing? Join Ed, Al, and Lin on their search for Bowling For Soup! Not going to be updated soon.
1. Yay, It's A New Adventure

This is a retarded fan fiction about Edward and Alphonse Elric and their trip to Texas.

For those of you who don't know Ling, he's a manga exclusive character. Spoilers!

Yay, I updated it.

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Disclaimer: No, I don't own FMA. If I did, I would sell it for a lot of money and this would be a book, not a piece of data in a machine.

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One day while trying to figure out a way to get their bodies back, Edward Elric and his younger brother Alphonse were sitting in the park. Yes, they were indeed researching in a park. "Parks are very peaceful and relaxing," Al had convinced Ed. "My butt they are..." was Ed's reply.

"Hey, Ed?" asked the shiny metal Al, innocently.

"What, dear wonderful brother?!" yelled Ed.

"Why are you yelling at him?" Greed asked, coming up from behind them.

"Greed!" the brothers yelled, standing up immediately.

"Hey, dudes. It's Lin, and you know that." said Lin, who they thought was really Greed all this time.

"But your a Homunculus..."

Lin sighed. They were right. "Actually, Greed tried to overtake me but I didn't let him and so I still have control of my body and I'm just pretending to be Greed so that I can get information for you guys and eventually go back to my old body too." At this remark, the brothers were stunned. "So? Answer my question."

Ed and Al looked at each other. Ed finally managed to stutter out, "I, uh, d-dunno."

"Well, that's retarded."

"You're retarded!"

"No, no. You guys have it all wrong, you're all retarded," said Al. "Everyone knows that."

Great. Al was right. Ed knew it. "What am I going to do now?" he screamed at the heavens. He held his hands high towards the sky above him, crystal clear-blue as the water in the nearby pond. Only, the pond didn't have clouds. Everyone in the park stared at him, of course. As he did this, Ed had gotten very hungry. He was now much hungrier than when he had gotten to the park.

"Hey, does anyone else want lunch?" he said, drooling at the mouth.

Lin stopped staring and replied. "Well. I just happened to bring a picnic basket with all the ingredients to an enchilada dinner!"

Suddenly, a voice came out of nowhere!

"Did someone say, _enchiladas_!?" the voice said.

"Nooo!" replied Ed with a huffy attitude.

All of the sudden, a band of fat guys appeared.

Al screamed. "OMG It's BFS!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ed and Ling looked at each other. "Who? And how in the heck did you know?"

"It's on their shirts," said Al. "Obviously."

"Oh…."

"You guys are the Elric brothers, right?" asked the lead singer, Jarett. "The rest of us are Gary, Chris, and Eric. We also have a magic amp that can act as a Philosopher's Stone! And, best of all, it wasn't made by using human souls! You just have to play the guitar here!" He pointed to his guitar, then to the amplifier. "Now, there's only one thing to do! Especially before you guys leave. Well, no, you really don't seem to need any alchemy amplifiers..." He stopped. "Nevermind."

Ed was confused. How did these guys know about Philosopher's Stones? I mean, they just knew and would simply share this information? They didn't know Ed's tragic past, did they? Or was it a test...? But then why did they not seem to notice that Al was hollow and Ed had automail?

The lead singer started counting off. We all surely know where they were going with this. They started to sing!

"Come back to Texas!!! It's just not the same since you went away, before you lose your accent! And forget all about the Lone Star State!"

The Gate opened up right behind the band. "Crap." said the bass player. The Gate sucked them in for equivalent exchange, obviously, but for what transmutation? They didn't look like alchemists. Then Ed realized, "Oh, crap! We forgot the tortillas! It's a rebound!!! We have to find those guys and bring them back!" he shouted. Al was so confused at his brother's sudden compassion, so he didn't know what else to do. Lin just followed them to make sure they didn't kill themselves. They all quickly jumped into the Gate, not knowing where this would take them.

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This idea was given to me by my awesome cousin. We were on a bus ride back from Azle, Texas. It was boring because my CD player didn't work. So, I asked her if she had any ideas for a fanfiction. Go figure! She did. After some reviews, I'll fix anything you guys think need fixed, and I'll take it as constructive criticism. Thanks!


	2. OMG Mrs Shawver!

Hey! She's back again. They're in Texas.

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When Ed woke up, he was in a tree. Not just any tree, a tiny tree. Just like him!!!

Wait.

Nevermind.

Al woke up too. (No, he was gonna sleep in the tree all day.)

"Brother, what are you doing?" asked Al.

Ed was talking to the tree and having a very engrossed conversation with it.

"So, tree? What's your name, foxy?" said Ed while winking at the tree.

"It's not gonna talk back," said Ling, also recently awoken.

"Yes, I am," replied the tree. "My name is Mesquite."

"Oh, well, sorry, I'm taken," said Ed.

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They got out of the tree and walked toward the random building with big windows.

"Hey, what is this place?" asked Ling.

Denise appeared.

"Hey, you're that foreign exchange student trio that the principal said was coming! Yeaaahh imadoujiae!!!" said Denise. I walked up afterwards. "Heya, dudes! What up in the... OMG It's Ling Yao!!!"

I immediately jumped on him and screamed in his poor, squinty-eyed, asian face.

Marlee showed up too. Then she started hyperventilating (or laughing, whichever you prefer.) because I was busy screaming "Holy crap it's Ling!" to Ling.

"What about me and Al?" said Ed.

Katy showed up, my wonderful cousin. "Well, we don't like you guys as much as Ling."

"Fine." Ed gave up for the next few minutes.

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We all took Ed, Al,and Ling to the principal, Mr. Mustang.

"Oh, no. Why the heck are you here, Roy?" screamed Ed.

"Hey! It's Edward!" said Roy. "Oh, and I'm your principal, so you have to call me Mr. Mustang."

"Fine."

Katy, who was actually secretly in love with Al, asked him out right then and there. Go figure!

Then they went out on a date while skipping the first day at the _same time_! Not really, they went out after school. Because we were all in 12th grade somehow, they didn't want to miss their first day. Everybody likes 12th grade, right?

Ed got a girlfriend too when Winry came out of nowhere and asked him out. Ling had a girlfriend since earlier because Ran Fan died and I was there. I'm just kidding. She'll show up later.

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Anyway, Roy forced Ed into band with Katy and I, who was moved to Percussion for lack of players. Ed was moved to Percussion too. We had a chair test, and even though I'm really 8th grade in High School Band, I got 1st chair like last chair test. Danny got second because he's almost as good as me. Mrs. Shawver, the band director, said, "Ed, you play timpani. Jessica, teach him. Katy, play bells with Peter. Danny, you play... TAMBOURINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh my God, Mrs. Shawver!!! I'm second chair! That stupid little guy's only last chair and he's playing _timpani_!!!!!!!!!!"

"Amanda, you play bass drum. Shawn, play cymbals."

"_What the freak, Mrs. Shawver_?!?!?!"

"Alex, you get a cookie 'cause I love you. Then I'll deprive you of video games and television cuz I'm an insane evil mother and band director sometimes."

Sigh from the band.

"Today, we're going to work on Ghost Fleet. Jessica, since you played timpani, teach Ed. You're better than Danny at the snare part,so you play that."

"WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Disclaimer: Katy doesn't really like Al, but I had to give him a girlfriend.


	3. Mr Armstrong?

One day, Jessica decided to keep writing her story.

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Yeah I own FMA.

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Just kidding. See? Made you look!

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Ed was getting tired of this. Roy had forced him into band, and with Jessica, of all people. She was really cool. She was also way cooler than Danny. (No, Ed, Danny's probably way cooler than me.)

Al was having fun though, and Katy was having more fun than him. She'd never had a boyfriend before.

Ling was having too much fun. Ran Fan was there, even though she isn't mentioned much. Therefore, he was happy.

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"Today, students, we are going to the Common's Area to pay tribute to our poor fallen student, Greed," said Roy over the speaker. Ed wondered how all of these people got here. Heck, at least Greed was dead. Ling was probably happy, too. Al was most likely happy, because he's always happy and has no type of emotion but happiness.

Ed went down and met Roy in the middle of the cafeteria. "Why, Fullmetal! What are you doing here on time for this meeting?" said the principal. "I have no one to talk to except the band nerds. Some of which are cool." replied Ed.

Ed was very sad. Roy didn't seem interested.

"Well, I could move you out of the class..." thought Roy.

"Reaallllyyyyy?????????" asked Ed.

"YEaaahahhHHHAhhAha...No." Roy replied.

"ZOMG WTF?????" screamed Danny as he walked in the cafeteria.

"Well, I guess he's still mad at Mrs. Shawver." said Ed to Roy. "Why would he be?" asked Roy. "Well, " started Ed, "it's a long story."

Then Ling, Al, Katy, Denise, and someone else walked in talking to each other. Ling and Al sat at a table in the front and waved to Ed to sit with them. He waved back to show he'd be there in a minute. "Hey, foreign exchange guy, we never introduced!" shouted Denise. "Okay, then let's," said Ed, glad to be talking to someone besides Colonel Fishturd. "Well, this is Katy, Erin, and I'm Denise," she said, pointing to the people as she introduced them.

"Do any of you freaks smell burning leather?" asked Ed as he smelled, well, leather burning.

"I do, because I know what lunch is on Mondays," said Katy.

"And I do, because I'm from California and I saw snow for my first time... in Texas! Go figure," said Denise. "By the way, this is quite true. It snows in Texas. And rains. And we have trees and mountains and grass and all sorts of other things besides cowboys and horses and cows. However, we do have a whole lot of oil."

Anyway, Ed was still wondering what lunch would be. It smelled like... boot. Great. He also wondered whether or not Mustang would change his schedule from band and Armstrong's second period Home Ec. class.

He has Home Ec. with Armstrong? Yes, and that's his next class adventure.

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Ed walked into his wonderful second period class. At the very front of the class was Breda, who was looking at Mr. Armstrong like he was God. Which he wasn't. In the back were Ling and Ran Fan, talking to Mesquite. Al and Katy were too close, but not _**toooo**_ close, and Mr. Armstrong was in the front, with many many sparkles around him.

Sigh. This was going to be a long day.

There was only one seat left in the class, so Ed sat in it. Then he decided he didn't like the seat and changed it using alchemy. Everyone stared at him. It took two minutes of this to make Ed really angry. He screamed, "All of you people are gay!" Everyone went back to their business.

Reba was in this class, too. Katy introduced her to Ed.

"Hey, Ed, this is Reba." said Katy. "Really? Wow. From Fullmetal Alchemist!!!! I didn't know it really existed! Now I owe Jessica an apology. Darnit." said Reba. "Wow, you're all weirdo nerds." said Ed. "And what might you be, brother?" asked Al. "Let's not go there, Al." Ed retorted.

"Now, now class, please quieten down! I have a special speaker here for us today." said Mr. Armstrong loudly. Everyone got quiet, except for Ling, who asked who the speaker was because if it was a Homunculus he'd run away screaming with sword in hand. "No, it's not a Homunculus, Ling, it's better." said Mr. Armstrong.

Havoc entered the room, as if on cue, with plently of papers and a video in his hands. Obviously, he had a cigarette in his mouth. "Hey, kids! I'm here to talk to you about drug abuse!" he shouted, smiling.

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Reba: Small leprechaun from Ireland(not really but she fits the descrpition.)

Denise: Mexican from California. She prides herself in that. I love you, and no I'm not racist.

Erin: Likes InuYasha and Naruto, but isn't that familiar with FMA.

Katy: My awesome cousin who I got into anime.

Danny: Really good drummer and math/science team smart person, like me, only cooler.

Jessica: Me. This is based on my life story. - Enjoy.


	4. Bow Down To The Great Roy!

OMG I love Havoc. He's so fun to mess with in fanfics.

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Havoc was about to put in the video tape when Al stood up and asked Havoc with anger and intensity, "Why do you have a cigarette if you're giving us a don't-do-drugs seminar?"

Everyone stared at him, too. People sure liked staring at others today.

Havoc was clueless. Since when did he have a cigarette? He didn't smoke, unless...

"It was Roy, wasn't it!?" yelled Ed. "Roy does everything horrible to people! Like put me in Home Ec with Armstrong!!!!!"

This time, everyone looked away. Roy walked in the door with Envy right behind him.

"What's going on here, Mr. Armstrong?" he asked very impatiently. "I have an important meeting with the superintendent, King Bradley."

Envy just stood there, smiling his evil smile. He was holding paperwork on a clipboard. Armstrong stared at Roy until he finally decided to speak.

"Why, sir, we are having a brilliant discussion on why Mr. Havoc has a cigarette in his mouth while presenting a Drug Abuse seminar."

"Well, surely I wouldn't have anything to do with such a horrible circumstance. I mean, really, why would I let him do such a thing, and on school grounds, too! No, no, I would never forcefully put a cigarette in his mouth!" said Roy.

Ed was convinced. "It was him! Roy did put it there! God, Roy, you suck!" he screamed.

"Edward, get back in your seat. It's not very nice to accuse people of things they just said specifically they didn't do!" said Mr. Armstrong. Edward was too unspeakably angry right now with Roy to do anything but stare. "Mr. Mustang, I think he should have an attitude adjustment!" "He sucks! Nobody should talk to the principal like that!" Screams were being called from around the room. Roy had an idea.

"Mr. Mustang has spoken! Edward Elric, you are hereby condemned to a paddling by our favorite councilor. This is for all of you yaoi fans out there! Which is by the way not me! I never have enjoyed torturing young Elric here," he said to the class. Everyone applauded. That is, except for one really ignorant person, Ed, Al, and Ling. The ignorant person raised his hand. "Yes, young ignorant- I mean, student?" Roy asked. "What is yaoi, sir?" he asked.

Roy thought for a moment. He didn't need to be torturing anyone but Ed. "Well, child, it is when you get hurt and you exclaim, 'Yowie!'" Everyone applauded again. One student even said, "Thank you, Mr. Mustang for sharing your infinite knowledge with such inferior beings as us." Ed was super bored. And, he was annoyed. Stupid Roy. He has way too many followers here. "You're stupid, Roy."

The Great Roy was not stupid. "Edward, go to my office! Envy, give him his punishment!!!" Roy commanded.

Envy was miffed. "I dislike this as much as you do, Fullmetal." he said as they walked out the door.

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Katy's author's note: Wow. I have an author's note now. Hmm... Earlier I was discussing with Jessi the fact that it would hurt to be up close like that with Al if he's a suit of armor. Wouldn't he spear me with his funky spikes or squish me? But we weren't _that_ close. And why do I have to be paired with a suit of armor? But Jessi says he's sexy either way so it's okay. FROGS RULE!!!!!!


	5. Math With Mrs Majewski!

Hey, look, it's a fanfiction! And, it's a math teacher!

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After Edward's horrible, yet not to be forgotten, punishment, he had third period Algebra. Everyone was on their way to class, and the hallways were a mess. In all the confusion, Al finally found Ed. No, actually, he stepped on Ed. He still found him, darnit!

"Oh, goodness, Brother! I'm sorry! Where have you been anyway?" asked the suit of armor.

"I don't know, Al, I don't know," sighed Ed. "This haze of anger is clouding my thoughts as well as my vision."

"Really, Brother?"

"No, Al, I'm happy as a friggin lark." huffed Ed as Ling walked up.

"Hey, guess what? We're all in the same math class! Together!" yelled Ling, apparently very excited. Ed figured, though, that at least he didn't have to endure Armstrong or Mrs. Shawver any more today. Hopefully this Mrs. Majewski would be better. The rumors about her weren't that positive, though.

As they walked into class, Mrs. Majewski was yelling at some student who stood on a chair. She was screaming, "OMGWTFROTFLOL YOU NOOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ed and Al were really confused. Ling was used to really strict people, so he wasn't confused. Mrs. Majewski, with her short dark red hair realized that she had new students and reverted to super-cool-awesome-math-teacher-mode. "Hey, guys! You're new, aren't you! Do everything I say and I'm really cool!"

Ed and Al were still confused. Ling took a seat at the front of the room, right beside the green marker board thing. (We don't have a chalkboard, we have a marker board!)

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"Hey, Al, she's really cool isn't she?" said Ed.

"Why, yes, I've never had a teacher who would sit at the back of the room listening to Bon Jovi and ordering tickets for concerts while we do really easy homework!" said Al.

"Al, we never had a teacher who even knew what Bon Jovi was! Heck, I don't even know what Bon Jovi is!"

I walked up. "I know what Bon Jovi is, and so does Katy, but she's in Dr. Marcoh's office because you stabbed her, Al." He quickly stood up, "But it was an accident!" Mrs. Majewski noticed. She yelled, "What are you doing?!" Al and I looked at each other. "Uhhh, talking about... The Police!" I said as a last minute lie that I never would have said. "Oh, you're talking about that? Okay, 80's music is really cool. You guys continue." She sat down at her desk and continued to listen to Bon Jovi.

A few minutes later, Mrs. Majewski stood up. She walked around to Edward, who was sitting in his chair getting every one of his answers right. "Edward, I just got an e-mail from Mr. Mustang. He says he wants you on the Math/Science team." she said.

"What's the Math/Science team?" asked Ed, who was very suspicious of Roy right now. Why would Roy put him in this unless to torture him?

"Well, it's a team where we go to different cities and compete in different math and science events. That's how Jessica and Katy came up with the idea for this fanfiction!"

"What fanfiction? What is a fanfiction, anyway?"

"Edward, you don't need to know... It's not important right now... And it never will be..." a mysterious voice said. It just happened to be Katy's, back from Dr. Marcoh's office, the school nurse.

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Actually, Katy came up with the fanfiction's idea. I just spawned the retarded planning. Viewers, I need reviews! Thank you. And peas.


	6. Ninjas Are Science!

It's FMA fanfiction time!

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"Yeah! That was cool! I've never seen ninja teachers before!" exclaimed the ninja-loving Ling. See? Ran Fan _was_ mentioned again!

They were watching a documentary in science about ninjas. Ed was slightly interested in this, but he'd rather be doing other things. Then, out of the blue, Mr. Box stopped the video. He stood in the front of the lab, glaring at Ed and Ling. He kept staring until Ed asked, "Why are you staring at us?" Mr. Box sighed.

Mr. Box finally said, "Your arm. It was shiny. Edward, right? How is your arm so shiny?"

Ed stared at his science teacher. He stared at his arm. He looked at Ling, then decided no, Ling's not worth looking at. "Well, Mr. Box, it's called automail. I lost my arm when I was younger, so I got a replacement. It was really painful... So are the memories..." Ed said. Then, recalling his past, he shivered. Mr. Box decided not to delve into that subject too deep because Mr. Box is a really nice guy. He sat down at his desk and played the movie about ninjas again.

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When the movie was over, Denise shouted her silly word, "Imadoujiae!", and Marlee started laughing like a Walrus again. Ed asked Mr. Box why Denise was such a freak. Mr. Box answered, "Well, Edward, she likes ninjas. And she is special."

I came into the conversation after apologizing to Ling about chapter two. I said, "She's so special she could ride the short bus!" Then, I realized what monster I had just created. Ed looked angry. Mr. Box looked confused. Everyone else looked scared.

Ed exploded. "Who are you calling a super-small shorty who looks like a shrimp!?!?"

I thought a moment. I knew I couldn't say, "You." so I said, "Reba." Everyone laughed. Poor Ed. Ed was okay, though, because he started laughing at Reba too. Reba walked up to Ed. Ed could look over her head. He was happy. Reba wasn't.

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Ling had started talking to Denise about ninjas. She and he liked ninjas, so they obviously had something weird in common. Good thing Ran Fan wasn't in this class, though. She would have been jealous. However, there's not anything between Ling and Denise. I like Ran Fan, so I wouldn't do anything like that to her.

Al started talking to Katy again. He was further away from her this chapter to avoid poking her again. She didn't want to go to Dr. Marcoh's office. No one did. He was way too emo. Therefore, when someone complained they had carpal tunnel he told them to cut their wrist. "That'll make your wrist feel numb," he always said.

This section was so that I could include everyone I left out. They deserve paragraphs too, you know!

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Wow, there's an author's note before an author's note! This is amazing!


	7. What Can You Do With A Boot?

Yeah, Jessica likes writing this silly fanfic.

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No, I still don't own FMA.

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Wow, what an exhausting day. Crazy teachers, insane band directors, and crack-headed principals. Ed was relieved that it was lunch time.

This was a really random event anyway. Why in all of the many universes out there did they have to come to this one? Texas...? What a weird name for a country.

"Hey, Brother! Guess what? Mrs. Shawver told me that you have percussion sectionals today. That sounds really fun!" exclaimed Al, with his arms waving in the air as he ran down the hall. "Oh, God. I have to deal with that crazy lady again? Even I'm taller than her!" moaned Ed at the table. Ling walked up holding a tray, then sat down.

Ed noticed the leather smell again. "Hey, Ling, do you know what that is?" inquired Ed. "Not really, but it sure does remind me of the last time we ate boot. Doesn't it?" replied Ling.

Darn. Ling thought so too. "Do they have anything else up there?" he asked, really really not wanting to eat the stupid boot stew again. "No, sorry." said Ling. Ed thought a minute. He could transmute it into a boot, then wear it to 5th period. No,that would be weird. He could just see himself walking into class, shouting, "Hey, I'm wearing lunch on my feet!" That would be awkward. Maybe he could just go outside and shoot a bird with the boot he transmuted from lunch. Then he could have meat and a boot. All the things that are possible with boots...

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Mrs. Majewski walked up to Ed's table a few minutes later. "So, Ed, are you going to come to Math/Science practice today?" "Umm, actually, I've got percussion practice..." said Ed hesitantly. He didn't want the horrible verbal beating she gave the poor kid with the chair-standing-on complex. No one did.

"When did this come up?" asked mrs. Majewski. "Today, Mrs. Majewski. This is my first day. Mrs. Shawver is evil and I just found out about it, right, Al?" said Ed. "Right, Brother!" agreed Al.

Mrs. Majewski just stood there, glaring evilly at the band hall (which is right on the other side of the stage that's present in our big cafeteria). Then she said to the boys, "Mrs. Shawver is going down!" She stormed out of the cafeteria and to the band hall.

Ed, Al, and Ling followed her into the room. Al and Ling were amazed at the size of the ceiling and the carpet on the walls. Mrs. Majewski was in the office of the band hall, screaming at Mrs. Shawver. Then, there was a silent pause. Mist engulfed the band hall when suddenly, Mrs. Majewski and Mrs. Shawver jumped out of the office with ninja outfits on. Mrs. Shawver screamed, "Trumpet-blowing-no-jutsu!!!" As a reply, Mrs. Majewski shouted, "Pythagorean Theorum-no-jutsu!!!"

Ed was stunned. Wow. Someone was getting into a fight because of him. Cool! Not to mention, they were teachers. This day kept getting better and better.

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Wondering how we all know where are classes are on our first day? So are we.


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